If Im to Die
by abbeykait
Summary: Dr. Molly James is a promising young doctor just starting her first day working for the greatest medical mind of a generation and at first sight, a certain blonde Aussie doctor catches her eye. But how will things change when Molly becomes the focus of houses team as they race to save her life?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - July 2015

Molly James walked through the doors of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with more excitement and joy than any person stepping into a hospital should ever have. Today was her first day as a fellow for the famous Dr. Gregory House, the greatest medical mind of a generation. She was bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to prove that she belonged on the most sought after diagnostic team in the world.

"Umm excuse me" She said to the middle aged nurse working at the main desk of the clinic, "Could you point me towards Dr. House's office? It's my first day" The nurse looked at her for a moment before sighing and directing her, whispering at the end

"Bless you, I hope you make it dear"

Molly knew what she was getting herself into, she was well prepared by doctor cuddy for House's quick wit and mean spirited sense of humor, but it still made her uneasy as she made her way to the office.

Sitting in the room were three people she had yet to meet, all in doctors coats. The first, sitting at the head of the rectangular table, was a tall, strong, handsome looking African American man with a kind but serious face, reading over a file, presumably of the patient they would be treating. The second was a very slender woman with mid-length, wavy, dark hair standing at the counter making herself a cup of coffee and talking animatedly to the third doctor in the room, a gorgeous blonde haired man with slight 5 o'clock shadow and beautiful blue eyes. Molly was taken with how entrancingly stunning he was and it took her a moment to realize she was staring from down the hall. She shook it off and proceeded to the room's glass door before knocking slightly and opening it.

"Hi, I'm Molly James, the new fellow. Please tell me this is Dr. House's office and I'm not late?" She said peeking her head in and smiling shyly.

"Oh hi! Yes you're in the right place" the slender brunette said, kindly, walking over to greet her. She stuck out her hand and smiled. "I'm Dr. Cameron, this is Dr. Foreman," she motioned to the African American man at the head of the table, "and Dr. Chase," she said motioning to the stunning blonde.

"Nice to meet you, we'll try to buffer you from House a little for your first day" Dr. Chase said with a reassuring smile, his Australian accent dripping from his lips. Molly could hardly breathe, he was so gorgeous and his voice was hypnotizing. She realized she was probably staring a bit and snapped back to reality.

"Oh I've been well prepared by Dr. Cuddy, I'm sure it will be absolutely awful for my first couple of days" she added with a giggle, "But i've got a thick skin, i'm not too worried"

With that the door of the office flung open and in walked Dr. House. He tossed his backpack to the side, which landed with a thud on the chair in the corner of the room, and looked over at Dr. James, eyeing her up and down.

"So, new girl, I assume you've had time to play introductions with everyone," He turned back to the whiteboard and began to write on it "Kindergarden teacher, she's babbling like an infant…. Ideas?"

Chase sat through the differential, but was definitely not paying the slightest bit of attention. He was too distracted by the beautiful girl who sat at the table diagonal to him. Dr. James was lovely. Her long auburn-brunette hair hung in two french braids that reached the small of her back, her skin was smooth and bright, her minimal makeup highlighted her delicate features and her tall thin frame let her lab coat fall just right over her. It was even better when she spoke, her ever so mild southern accent slid over her sentences and coated everything in sugar, Chase couldn't help but stare at this stunning creature who had just entered his universe, while House's words floated over his head.

xx


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 - November 2015

It had been a full four months that Dr. James had joined House's team and she had most definitely earned her place in the ranks. In fact, the team had become a pretty tight knit family, going over to Dr. Cameron and her husband's house several times for dinner or drinks and always having a good time even while doing rounds or handling emergencies with patients. However, there was still a slight sexual tension between Chase and Molly, though they had never addressed it and were simply good friends, there was always a flirtations feeling about their interactions and more then once they had caught the other letting their gaze last just a moment too long.

"Just ask her to dinner or something" Foreman said, taking a bite of his sandwich. He and Chase were sitting in the cafeteria while Cameron and Molly ran some tests on their latest patient. "It's obvious that you two are interested in eachother, why are you avoiding the issue?"

"I'm not avoiding the issue, I just don't think it's smart to be in a relationship with someone that you work with especially if we're both on House's team" Chase said sitting back and sighing.

"Ok, whatever you need to tell yourself, but just know that if I were you, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Why don't you get cameron to help you plan a birthday party for her or something, it's next friday… you can talk to her then, plus no girl can resist a guy who remembers her birthday" Foreman said, finishing the last bite of his sandwich and getting up to throw away his trash.

The following friday, Chase caught up to Molly in the hallway as they were leaving.

"Hey, can't leave yet, emergency diagnostic with House, he's making us go to Wilson's to talk about the patient while they play poker, sorry." Molly sighed, staring at him in total disbelief,

"He's making us go to Wilson's so that he can play poker while we work… thats such bullshit"

Chase laughed,

"Four months here and you haven't realized he's an ass? Come on, i'll drive you over there, Cameron and Foreman headed over a few minutes ago." Molly sighed again and reluctantly agreed, secretly happy to spend some time with Dr. Chase on her birthday, even if they didn't know that, its not like she had announced it to everyone. The two of them drove down the quiet streets, chatting about nothing in particular. Molly couldn't help but notice the way the street lights make his eyes glitter and how his car smelled like leather and cologne. Finally, they arrived at Wilson's apartment complex and parked, the two of them walked upstairs together, but when they got to the door they found a note reading "Don't make me get up, just come in" This made Molly laugh,

"Typical house" she giggled opening the door.

"SURPRISE!" Inside was everyone from PPTH, a table with gifts, a cake, bottles of liquor, and plenty of food for all of the state of New Jersey. Molly blushed bright red,

"Oh my god!" Molly laughed turning around and playfully smacking chase on the shoulder, "How did you even know it was my birthday!"

" I may have read your employment file…" Chase said looking away and looking jokingly guilty. " I just thought you should have some fun with us tonight so I forced Cameron and Foreman to help me" Cameron and Foreman smiled and held their glasses up in acknowledgement.

"Hey I bought the booze" House yelled from the couch. The party resumed as the music was turned up and people began to fix themselves drinks. Chase tapped Molly on the shoulder, capturing her attention again, as their eyes met, he held out a small box with a simple ribbon around it.

"Happy Birthday" he said grinning from ear to ear. Molly was floored, chase had put all this together just for her and even got her a gift, she could fall over she was so excited and overwhelmed. She untied the ribbon and slipped it off, opening the box to see two beautiful earrings and a note.

"Oh my god, they're beautiful!" She gasped, looking up at chase, "Thank you so much"

"Read the card" he said encouragingly,

"Its a reservation card for two… for tomorrow?" She looked up at him, her eyes bright, understanding what he meant by this gesture.

"I thought you might like to go to dinner with me, ya know, like a date?" He blushed nervously, biting his lip and looking down at his shoes for a second.

"Of course, I would love to!" She said pushing her hair out of her face and grinning.

"Excellent, now let me grab you a drink and you can show me some of those dance skills I read about in that file, miss undergraduate dance team." Chase winked as he walked away. Molly took this opportunity to slip away from the crowd where she thought she had a bit of privacy, she then slipped a small pill bottle out of her bag and popped two in her mouth, downing the entire water bottle she carried with her in her purse. She sighed rubbing her shoulder and grimacing.

"Caught ya" a voice said from behind her, she froze and went white as a ghost, turning around slowly she saw House standing behind her looking smug. "The least you can do is share"

xx

Molly stood there, frozen in place. She had tried so hard to keep this hidden from her coworkers. House reached forward and snatched her bag, opening it and pulling out the pill bottle.

"I've seen you popping these like candy, what's in here." House said as he looked over the blank bottle and attempted to open it.

"It's Ibuprofen, I'm afraid of painkillers, I take these and drink lots of water instead." Molly said nervously, stumbling over her words.

"Bullshit. You expect me to believe you're eating Ibuprofen all day?" House looked back down at the pills he had emptied into his hand, "Yeah like I thought, my favorite, vicodin. Why the hell do you take these?" House looked up at her, confused and frustrated.

"That's none of your business" She said grabbing her bag back from House and turning to go find Chase in the sea of PPTH doctors and administrators.

"Of course its my business." House said, irritated, "You work for me and if you're dealing with your own shit I need to know about it incase it's affecting your patient care. Molly paused studying House's face before sighing and accepting defeat.

"I have fibromyalgia... severe fibromyalgia. I'm constantly in horrible pain, everywhere. I only take these whenever it gets unbearable, and every 2 months I do a week long cleanse to make sure im not withdrawing, now give me my fucking pills back." They stared at eachother for what seemed like an hour, House studying her up and down, before putting the pills back in the bottle and handing it back to her. Molly pushed past House, finding chase and taking her drink. The two of them started to dance, getting progressively closer and a bit sloppier as the night went on and more drinks were finished. By the time they were ready to go home, they were both hammered. Wilson agreed to drive Molly home and Chase only lived a few blocks away so he stumbled home, a still intoxicated but much more coherent Foreman guiding him.

That night House lay awake, he was stuck thinking about what Molly had said. She was the only person he'd met who was like him, who lived in pain and took as many pills as he did, she just knew how to keep herself under control, he suddenly liked her a lot more. It also was a very comforting idea to him, that she was still able to function as a good doctor, it meant that he wasn't wrong in that he could keep doing this. By the time he had pushed the thoughts from his mind the sun was already starting to show over the treeline and he knew that he wouldn't be sleeping that night worth a damn.

xx

As Molly opened her eyes the world was far too bright. She couldn't remember the last time she had a hangover like this, but suddenly a frightening thought came back to her, House knew about her disease, about her pills. She pulled a pillow over her face and groaned, she was sure House would tell everyone and she would get fired because, let's face it... she wasn't House, and Cuddy wouldn't stand for two pain killer dependent doctors in her hospital. To distract herself, she thought of her date that evening with Chase and it brought a smile back to her face. She got up, but immediately collapsed to the ground in agony. The alcohol must have aggravated her muscles and joints because she could barely move. She groped around on the side table for her bottle of pills she kept by her bed and took two, laying out flat on the floor, not having the energy or pain tolerance to get back into bed right then. It was then that there was a knock at the door,

"Hello" a familiar voice called, it was Chase.

"Shit." Molly said to herself moaning, "Hey you can come in, any chance it's unlocked?" She called hoping that by some miracle it would be.

"No its locked, everything ok? Are you that hungover?" Chase called back, concern and mild amusement evident in his voice.

"Ok there's a little buddha statue by the door, there's a key under it, you can let yourself in, I can't get up right now. I'm sorry!" Molly called trying desperately to get herself back into bed, but the pain was intense, unfortunately she wasn't fast enough getting up, and before she knew it Chase was walking into her bedroom, his face dropping at the sight of her trying with great pain to get off the floor.

"Oh my god are you ok?!" he said rushing over to her.

"I'm fine, just in a little pain can you help me into bed? She said trying to pass off her pain as part of her hangover. Chase obliged but saw right through the act.

"Whats going on? Something's wrong." Chase paused looking around the room, panic on his face "We have to get you to the hospital, hangovers don't make you hurt like this" he began to look around for a phone to call an ambulance, Molly was avoiding looking at his beautiful face, she really didn't want to explain this right now. She sighed, tearing up slightly, she knew this would end whatever relationship she and Chase could have had.

"Chase stop, you don't need to call anyone, I don't need to go anywhere, everything is fine... I'm...I'm sick, Chase, I have fibromyalgia, and its severe. I hurt everywhere, all the time. The alcohol made it worse last night, I take painkillers every day, usually multiple times a day. I do a detox for a week every two months, im not dependent, but I understand if you don't want to date the female equivalent of House." She spoke as fast as she possibly could, terrified that is she stopped speaking she would start crying. She glanced up at him and saw the horror and sadness on his face, great, she thought, this is over. She rolled over, her back facing him as she swallowed back tears, "I really didn't want to tell you. I don't want you to think that I'm something to be pitied or that I was too distracted to do my job, I can handle it, just sometimes it's fucking unbearable, like right now." It was silent in the room for a moment. Then she felt the bed depress, as chase sat down on the edge, placing his hand on her shoulder.

"Hey listen, it's ok, I'm not sitting here pitying you. I'll admit it's a little bit strange, that you and House are so similar, but its fine, as long as you're not acting like an addict, you should do whatever you need to to manage the pain. " He shifted his position and layed down next to Molly, pulling her in close to him. And rubbing her aching arms and shoulders. He leaned down and kissed her shoulder gently before turning her over to face him and kissing her lips softly. He pulled away smiling and pushed back her hair before taking a deep inhale. "Alright well, I was going to come steal you away to go out to breakfast, but how about I make you some true Aussie hangover food right here and we watch bad telly? That way you can take it easy and I can sneak in my surprise extra date?" Molly laughed, smiling at this angel of a man,

"That sounds great, I'm sure I'll feel fine by this evening, but that sounds perfect. Thank you." She said as she sat up, wincing slightly. "Just promise me that I get to kiss you the whole time." She added with a giggle and a wink

xx


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 - April 2016

For the next five months, Molly and Chase were nearly inseparable, they worked so well as a team that house gave up on trying to keep them separate during work hours and just paired them up for everything from dealing with patients to running lab work. However it was becoming more and more clear over time that Molly's chronic pain was getting worse. While House and Chase had kept it quiet, they both could see that she was becoming more and more incapable of hiding how incapacitating things were sometimes, especially since she never raised the dosage she took. This all came to a head one day mid april while they were walking back to House's office from the patient's room after doing an LP to check for meningitis.

As she and the rest of the team walked everything began to go fuzzy, it sounded like she was in a tunnel and she knew she was going to pass out any moment.

"Chase!" she yelled suddenly as she dropped behind a little bit. Chase's head snapped around to her and he immediately ran over, knowing something was very wrong. Molly grabbed his shoulder, her eyes widening as she tried to keep herself upright. "I'm going to pass out, I can feel it, help me, please" she begged staring at the ground as her vision tunneled. Suddenly her whole body tensed and let out a violently painful jolt that sent her collapsing to the floor with a scream. Chase dropped down next to her, panic practically tattooed on his face.

"Molly oh my god! Someone help! Help me!" Cameron and Foreman were there in a second and were scrambling to check her pupils and get her to respond but she was out cold. "WE NEED SOME HELP PLEASE" Chase hollered practically making the walls shake.

xx

"Alright, think of it like any other differential…" House began, speaking to the only three remaining conscious members of his team. Cameron and Foreman sat at the table, their faces worried yet logical and deep in thought. Chase on the other hand was practically manic and was pacing around the office wringing his hands and trying desperately to control his breathing.

"How long had you two known she had pain problems?" Foreman asked, looking between House and Chase.

"A couple of months, we've both known since her birthday, didn't think it was relevant to share." House said snarkily, "She said it was severe fibromyalgia that she had been diagnosed with years ago, but clearly it's not, what else could cause the pain to get this much worse, weak joints, tunnel vision, all her other crazy shit? Come on, this is just like any other case." Not even half listening, Chase turned and left the office, he couldn't just sit around anymore he needed to be with Molly, he couldn't treat her like any other patient, she was special to him, he couldn't be objective. When he got to her room his heart sank, there was his angel in a hospital bed, wires hooked up to her, her hair pulled back and makeup gone, she was so pale, he had never noticed how dark the bags under her eyes were or how hollow she looked, she never looked sick like this, and it pained him to see. He sat down in the chair by her bed, grabbing her hand he pulled it to his lips and kissed it, muttering a prayer that she would be ok and brushing a small tear from his eye.

xx

"Her glucose and potassium were dangerously low when we ran her blood, she also apparently hadn't eaten in days, it could just be a matter of low blood sugar and lack of food and energy." Cameron offered.

"No, it wouldn't explain the worsening pain or the bruising all over her body, and I can't blame that all on love making with Chase, unless he's beating her, which I doubt." House responded looking out the office window in thought. His eyes widened, turning to look at the team. "Have you seen her eat?" house asked, his eyes darting between Cameron and Foreman, they sat in silence, thinking hard about the question.

"Honestly...no…" Cameron said realizing the thought train House was on. "I mean maybe a handful of times since Ive known her, and never a lot."

"Foreman?" House asked, he and cameron both looking up at him,

"Maybe once I saw her eat a french fry off of Chase's plate but no I really haven't."

"House you can't seriously think…" Cameron stopped, her mouth hanging open. House began to walk quickly out of the office, Cameron and Foreman scrambling after him,

"Our young doctor has an eating disorder." House said seriously. "And her body is going haywire."

House reached Molly's room quickly, throwing open the door and locking eyes with Chase.

"You," he pointed at hase with his cane, "How many times have you seen her eat?" House not breaking eye contact with him.

"We've been out to dinner loads of times…" Chase said, squinting in confusion. Molly tensed immediately, knowing exactly what house meant, she tried to keep her cool but her skin erupted in goosebumps and anxiety bubbled up in her throat.

"What does her kitchen look like, how many times has it been basically empty when you've gone over there?" House kept his eyes locked on Chase

"She doesn't cook much, why are you asking me she's right here"

"Chase, Molly has an eating disorder..." Cameron interjected with sad sympathetic eyes, "Don't you Molly." She turned to face Dr. James, her face falling and looking pained. Everyone else in the room followed suit, with all eyes on her, Molly felt the panic boiling over, she had fought for so long to keep this secret, she was fine, she just had an appetite like a bird, it was no big deal… She felt herself going hot, she nodded slightly and looked down focusing on her knees under the hospital blanket. Chase's eyes went wide, practically bulging out of his head.

"That's not true, we've been out to dinner loads of times! I would have noticed, I've seen you eat" his expression grew pained and upset as he stood up, looking down at his sick angel. The room was silent for a moment before Molly looked up, her eyes meeting Chase's, on the brink of tears.

" For nearly 10 years." She whispered, "I'm so sorry" She began to cry, the tears rolling silently down her cheeks and chase sat down in the chair looking like he was going to pass out.

"Anorexia can create issues with the bones ability to maintain density, combine that with a lack of nutrients and your family history, that creates a rich environment for... serious complications. She doesn't have fibromyalgia..." House said, even his voice hosting a touch of sadness. But then, Chase's face lit up, he jumped up and began to walk toward the door, cutting House off,

"So her pain, that's all the loss of bone density, so she can take some calcium supplements and osteo medication and it should minimize, we get you eating again, deal with you're eating disorder and everythings ok. Brilliant, I go fill the script…"

"Chase! Stop…" House said grabbing him by the arm and sighing sadly, "In rare cases, like in someone with your girlfriend's family history, the lowered bone density and holes in the bones can allow defects to form, The pain isn't from having Osteoporosis … She has bone cancer."

xx

Molly lay awake in the dark, it must have been 2am, but she was wide awake. Chase had left her room moments after finding out the news and the rest of the team were running biopsies and tests to confirm House's theory. Molly could barely breathe, she had no idea that her quest for perfection and control would mean the end of her life. She had tried to be so careful, she knew the risks of anorexia so she went to great lengths to keep herself out of the danger zone. Eating just enough to keep her BMI at 18, the minimum for being able to function correctly, purging so rarely as to not hurt her digestive system or esophagus, never taking laxatives because she knew how they could destroy your body. 10 Years of carefully planning everything to keep herself alive but in control, being the ultimate perfectionist. She hated herself for doing it now, it was 10 wasted years that had cost her the rest of the years she had looked forward to. She would never have babies, never become Mrs. Molly Chase, she would die alone, out of control, and in pain, vicious pain. She knew she deserved this, she just didn't want to hurt Chase, the look on his face when he found out, the way his legs gave out and he scrambled to leave the room, it said everything that she needed to hear, she had ruined the only good she had ever known.

xx

Chase lay awake in the dark, it must have been 2am, but he was wide awake. His heart aching at his newfound knowledge that the woman he loved, that he was already looking for a wedding ring for, had cancer. Well granted, the team hadn't yet confirmed this but if this were any other patient he would agree with them that that's what is wrong. How could he have not noticed for so long, they spent nearly every minute together, they'd eaten together hundreds of times. Thinking back, he could see all the warning signs, when they went out to dinner she would order a salad and eat maybe 5 bites the whole evening before wrapping it up to take home, he always assumed she had just eaten it later when it wasn't in her kitchen the next day, when obviously he knew now, she had just thrown it away. She had never been on her period in the whole time they had been together. She was always tired and bruised but he had chalked that up to fibromyalgia. Tears poured down his cheeks into his pillow. He couldn't leave her, he didn't want to, he wanted to be there for her, but he didn't know how to do this, how to love someone knowing that eventually they would be taken from you, that they would be weak and in pain the whole time, he wasn't sure he had the kind of strength to watch her shrivel in front of him.

xx

The following day, the team assembled in House's office much earlier than usual. Cameron had been up all night running the tests over and over, making sure nothing could be a lab mess up, House was asleep in his office, his head resting on an open medical book, three more open around him. When Chase entered the room, Cameron ran over and hugged him close, tears stinging her eyes. Foreman looked down at the ground, dragging his hands over his forehead and hair before looking up at Chase and shaking his head. Wilson was sitting at the table as well, fidgeting with a coin between his fingers and staring out the window. House awoke suddenly and made his way into the main office area, setting his cane on the board.

"I take it the test was positive." Chase said, his voice hollow.

"Yeah." House said quietly, looking over to cameron, who was now seated again and staring into her coffee mug she was clutching with both hands.

"It's metastasized." She said not breaking her stare, "to her brain and her blood." Chase collapsed into the empty chair holding his face in his hands, a quiet sob escaping his mouth.

"How long" he spoke finally. The room remained silent. "HOW LONG!" He yelled, his hurt and rage hurtling outward like a bomb.

"She probably has about 4-5 months" Wilson said sadly, turning to face Chase.

xx


End file.
